Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Hard Times
So now, Asa is 3.5 months old...weighing in at a whopping 20 pounds already! Life with the new babe has been some days easier than expected, but most days everything is hard, bone numbingly hard. In the moments when it's terrible, when three children are crying all around me, when one is screaming and trying to dismantle the house, one is starving and begging to be nursed, and another is peeing on the floor in defiance because of the attention of mine they crave, it's hard to imagine that there is ever a way out of this pit of pure hell. There are days when I start out the morning with nothing to give anyone, when I need solace, peace, and quiet for myself, but before I have even gotten out of bed, there are the screams of one...two...three little beings who need so much more than I can give them in this season. It's hard, because there isn't a single thing that is easy right now. Bedtime takes forever, and there usually isn't a night where everyone stays asleep until Chad and I go to bed. A trip to the store feels like goddamned heroics. Just leaving the house requires herding three little bodies to the car, urging, pleading, demanding that Laurel GET IN YOUR CARSEAT, my hands tied while I hold a baby in my arms, words my only weak defense. I think about the Janet Lansbury peaceful parenting podcast, where she said recently to a new mother of three that we must embrace this messy season, that it's only a season, and that we should accept that this season is hard for all of us. Instead of trying to manage or sooth anyone's feelings, which of course cannot be done, we must accept that our children have feelings and let them express them as they may, while we patiently plod along to an easier time. Some days, I feel like a rock star parent, staying just the right distance while my children wilt around me, crumpled on the floor with tears streaming down their faces. Sometimes, I offer hugs at just the right time as the tantrum is winding down. I embrace them with my gentle and kind words, and let them know I am the rock they are desperately grasping for. And other days, I feel a heavy dread in the pit of my stomach as I sit down to lunch and realize that today is yet another day when I won't be able to eat the lunch I prepared for myself, because the number of children who need my attention NOW has reached critical mass.
Right now, I get down about the unceasing difficulty of everything. Trips to the grocery store, an evening at home, a trip to the park, bedtime, showering, laundry, keeping up with the house, or trying to make plans to see relatives. We recently went on a trip to a family member's baby shower, and I was so looking forward to it. We packed up everything, got everyone bathed and fed, and even got on the road for the 1.5 hour trip to Dayton 15 minutes early. We were exhausted before we even left. But then whole thing was just hard. The kids were surrounded by relatives they don't often see, feeling particularly shy and needy, and still reeling from the newness of their baby brother, only 2 months and some change at the time. I felt my heart sinking as I realized that Chad was barely getting to spend any time enjoying the company of the family members we had come to see, and the intensive management of the children just kept coming in unrelenting waves. With Chad's schedule being as crazy as it has, working 50+ hour weeks, being gone on weekends from 8:00 AM to 10:00 PM some days, the feeling of unending drudgery has just intensified.
On top of all this, of course the hospital trip when Asa was three weeks old has enduring ripples. The bills just keep coming in, and there are so many billing departments, each with a different bills and different accounts, it's hard to keep track of how many bills there are, and when we will have reached critical mass. When will we really and truly know the total we owe? I can't log into our account, and have spent phone call after phone call with Nationwide Children's trying to get everything figured out. Apparently there's a glitch in ONE OF their systems, and we can't log into the account based on some error on their end, although we're still waiting on them to get it fixed. But meanwhile, of course the bills keep rolling in. Any in addition to that, we found out recently that insurance will cover nothing of our home birth, which of course cost of thousands of dollars out of pocket. We had been struggling all winter to pay off this expense over the course of my pregnancy, and just when we could breathe a sigh of relief that it was all over, we now owe huge monthly payments for Asa's hospitalization, for a disease he almost never certainly had from the moment we admitted him to the hospital, filling his veins with the poison of the antibiotics (great for times when lifesaving measures are needed, but clearly detrimental to a healthy new babe). And I feel like a fool, because our health insurance plan very clearly says there's a $7500 deducible for out of network expenses (meaning the fees we paid for our home birth). We checked it before, but I don't know what we saw, or thought we saw. We clearly misunderstood the plan. And on top of all that, we paid someone $75 to process the claim. Money down the drain, to process a claim that was always going to be denied.
There's more worry than I can ever fit into one post, worry about my extremely shy 5 year old starting kindergarten soon. Worry about potty training and tantrums for my 3 year old. Worry that I can never give them enough of what they need while we all work, work, work incessantly, work we must work, lest we not be able to pay our mortgage or our mounting medical bills. Worry that I never have a moment to slow down and look at the sweet babe in my arms, who is growing so fast and so beautifully.
In quiet moments, when I have time to myself, to stare at my baby boy, my sweet Asa Ezra, I am so happy. His sweet smile and his growing list of skills fills me with infinite joy. The same with my 3 and 5 year olds. Every day, they amaze me with their wit, exuberance, intelligence, and growing skills and knowledge. When I have the opportunity to sit down with them and take time to enjoy them as the wondrous human beings they are, they fill me with such happiness and joy. I know we'll get through this. I know that everyday won't seem like utter drudgery forever. I know that next year I'll have sweet 6 year, 4.5 year, and 18 month olds and that life will be a little less hectic and a little more calm. I know we're in a season. I know this. I know I set impossibly high standards for myself and that it's okay to fall short sometimes, but it's so, so, so hard right now. As summer melds into fall, Chad will begin working less, my workload will lighten, Everett will spend 3 mornings a week in school, and I WILL breathe. I will get through this. It's just that in the worst moments, in the hardest of times that feel like they're stretching out into infinity, it really is hard to remember that.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
37.5 Weeks: Another Semi-Unexpected Birth!
This is the birth story of my sweet Asa Ezra Kinsworthy, born Thursday, May 09, 2019 at 37 weeks 5 days of pregnancy.
On Wednesday evening, Chad was working an event and supposed to be home around 10:00 PM. After eating dinner, playing in the backyard, cleaning the kitchen, getting some laundry started, and picking up around the house, the kids and I headed upstairs to do bedtime around 8:30, which was later than usual. Just before we were about to read books, we got a call from Chad that his event ended a bit early, so he'd be home just before 9:00. Since we were already awake when he called, we waited for him to get home before we turned out the lights so the kids could say goodnight and snuggle with him. After getting everyone to sleep, Chad and I came downstairs, scooped some ice cream, and got ready to relax on the sofa for a bit, but before we could take our first bites of ice cream, both the kids were awake, agitated, and generally upset (or if you're Laurel then just full on crying for about 30 minutes). We popped on an episode of Call the Midwife, which seemed like an appropriate show at my advanced state of pregnancy, and watched it over the screams of Laurel, who was wedged in between us. Eventually, she calmed down and was back to her regular self. Around 11:00 or so, we all went upstairs to get into bed, but Everett was still whimpering. I wondered if he might have an ear infection, but there was nothing we could do about it that night, so in an effort to get some sleep, I sent Chad and Everett to sleep in the guest bedroom downstairs and Laurel and I fell fast asleep in bed upstairs.
I awoke just around 3:30, cuddled up to my sweet Laurel May, thinking maybe I had to pee, but when I got up, I noticed a very uncomfortable cramp in my abdomen. And when I wiped after peeing, there was a bit of brown discharge on the toilet paper. The cramp wasn't the kind of cramp where you think "Oh, is that gas?" or "Hmm. Could this maybe be it?" It was the kind where you go "OW!" And then "Oh, fuck." Even though, moments before I had been in a deep sleep, it very quickly dawned on me what what happening, and since the very first contraction was intense and down to business, I immediately ran downstairs, burst in the back bedroom, and exclaimed to Chad, "I'm in labor, we need to call the midwives!" He later told me that I almost gave him a heart attack, as he'd also been in a deep sleep. After that, I immediately changed into a different tank top (a cute one for birthing in as opposed to the ratty thing I had been wearing) and a skirt (easy to birth in and incidentally the same skirt I wore when giving birth to Laurel!)
Chad called one of our two midwives, Mandy, but she wasn't going to be able to make it to the birth, so she told us to call Tanya, who is also our midwife. Tanya told us that she would be on her way presently and would also be contacting another CHOICE midwife, Jill, who would also be on her way. Then we got a hold of Marilyn, Chad's mom, who was going to come over and help take care of the kids during labor. THEN, we called Elaine Tucker, who was going to be our sibling doula/postpartum doula/photographer (talk about wearing a lot of hats!!) THEN I texted one of the families whose children I provide childcare for to tell them "Hey guys. Not 100% sure baby is coming today, but it seems like that's a strong possibility...contractions are fairly regular right now. At any rate, I don't think I'm gonna be able to watch the kids today!! Sorry my babies never follow their due date schedule!!." (In hindsight, OF COURSE a baby was coming...in about an hour!!) With the impressive number of phone calls and texts out of the way, I got down to the business of laboring in earnest.
While we were making phone calls, I had Chad grab a chux pad for me to sit on in the living room on the sofa. It wasn't too long, probably around 3:50, before Everett began to stir in the back bedroom. Before bed he had been complaining of ear pain, but when I went to get him out of bed, he grinned at me and said "Mommy, my ears don't hurt anymore. I feel better!" Everett ventured out to the living room and sat down next to me, sleepy eyed but happy and in good spirits. UNTIL that is, my water broke! He was sitting right next to me when I exclaimed "Oh, some-thing is coming out of me. I think my water is breaking." He looked at me and Chad and exclaimed "Oh, I'm tired! I just need to go lay down in bed!" And he ran to the back bedroom and dove right into bed. We asked him if he wanted to come out and he said "Nope! I'm just feeling tired right now!" But it wasn't long before he couldn't resist coming back out and joining the fray. I absolutely loved it when he climbed into the hassock where I store my pillows and blankets that I use in the evenings when we're relaxing on the sofa. There he stayed nestled in his little cocoon of blankets and pillows while I continued to labor nearby on the sofa. I asked him if he was nervous or what he was feeling, and he confidently announced, "I'm nothing. I'm just fine!"
At 4:05 AM, I heard Laurel begin to fuss upstairs from bed, and Chad went up to bring her downstairs. She was pretty groggy so Chad put her in the sling. After that, Chad, Everett, and Laurel marched upstairs to get a light for the birthing room. At the advice of our doula, who we had met with earlier the previous day, we had planned to put up white string lights in the birth room, for photography lighting in case I gave birth at night time, but I also loved the idea for the ambiance. Unfortunately, we never had time to do that! Also, during this time, I had Chad change the Baby Watch sign on our chalk board so that it read 37.5! (For 37 weeks 5 days pregnant when I would give birth to the baby.) I wanted to get the dishwasher of clean dishes unloaded, so we could start the next day with a clean slate for the doula and anyone else who might be using our kitchen. I had wanted to get a picture of me pregnant for the last time in front of the 37.5 sign, but things were moving so fast that I was never able to accomplish that and a few other things I had wanted to wrap up before the birth. I also downloaded a contraction app and started timing my contractions, which were lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute with a 1.5 to 3 minute break in between. ALL OF THAT, everything I have written above happened pretty much between 3:35 and 4:10 AM.
Tanya was the first to arrive right around 4:15 AM, which is also the time that my contractions got intense enough that I needed to vocalize. I moaned through them, loudly and with purpose, and somewhere in the back of my head I remembered to keep my breathing and vocalization measured and anchored, using everything I've learned in yoga over the years to keep calm, focused, and in the moment. It hurt, and I was not happy about being rudely awakened in the middle of the night to endure painful cramps that would only mount in strength and intensity, but I quickly accepted where I was. When Tanya arrived, with her birth bag in hand, she went straight for her doppler, to check the baby's heartbeat, which sounded great. Then soon after, Jill, a midwife who I recognized but had never met before showed up. Tanya and Jill began setting up in the birth room and I was also periodically going to the bathroom, to void my bowels, as one so sexily does several times during the labor process. Sitting there on the toilet with the door open and activity happening all around me, I said to Chad at one point as he whizzed by "Well, I guess this is really happening because there is NO OTHER TIME IN MY LIFE when I would be pooping with the bathroom door wide open and not giving any fucks about who was around!!
During all of this, Chad was running around getting things done and taking care of the kids, with Laurel in a sling on his chest as she requested (he's a nice guy, I would have put her on my back so fast 😂), but I, back in the living room, was quickly starting to realize that I really needed Chad's support and asked him to pass Laurel off to Marilyn, who had also recently arrived. Funnily enough, the guy we had been worrying about how he would handle labor was Everett, but he was taking everything in stride and hanging in there like a champ! (In his hassock cocoon!) Laurel on the other hand seemed overwhelmed, exhausted, and in need of her Daddy, so the hand off from Daddy to Nonna was sad and tear-filled, but I was buried so deep in my own experience, that I could do nothing more than mentally acknowledge what was going on and then let it go. Not to mention, I knew that she was in good hands and would soon be okay (which was 100% the case!) At 4:36 AM, still sitting in the living room on my chux pad, I got a text from Elaine, the doula, saying "All packed up and about ready to take off, stopping for a coffee first. That puts me there in about 15-20 min. Just checking that it still feels progressive and ok to join?" To which I replied "Contractions are 1-2 minutes apart..." And she said "Ok. I'm gonna skip the coffee! 🤣 Headed over." Somehow, amidst the intense contractions, I had the wherewithal to let her know that we had coffee here, ha!
Around 5:00 AM, with everyone assembled, I was still laboring in the living room when I had a contraction during which instead of letting out a groan, a kind of grunt escaped from me, and I thought "Oh shit, here we go!" Tanya said, "Well, that sounded pushy." And a decision was made to head back to the birth room." Chux pads were scattered liberally over the bed and under where I was standing and the midwives checked the baby's heart rate again, which sounded good. With each contraction, I was leaking fluids and getting into the head space that I was about to push a human out of my vagina (which is no small mindset to achieve!) I stood at the edge of the bed, leaning against poor Chad during each contraction. Originally he was standing, but there was no way he could bear the weight of me leaning hard into him for each contraction, so he eventually got down on his knees for better leverage. I eventually started leaning on the bed with my knees, and the midwives were giving suggestions for positions that might be comfortable for me, but I was in that place where no position was going to feel comfortable, and was wracked with the overwhelming indecision of terrible discomfort no matter my placement. Tanya checked the baby's progress and let us know that the head was only 2 knuckles deep...a minute or two later, one knuckle deep. Tanya asked Chad if he wanted to see the head, and sure enough there it was! Tanya commented on the amount of hair and how the baby followed suit with its siblings. During this whole process of pushing, I can hear Marilyn reading about dinosaurs to the kids on the sofa in the living room. Laurel was apparently nestled up close to her brother, looking to him for comfort, as she does anytime she feels herself out of her element or insecure, which is one of those things that, as a parent, makes your heart swell with joy.
At this point, I was deep in the pushing phase and Tanya was kneeling on the floor behind me, telling me "You're clenching your butt!" And Jill was saying, "Open and release." Because really the only thing that was keeping the baby from being born at this point was me being inside my head and holding myself back. Two things were at play here, because I knew the next time I "did work", a human head, followed by a human body, was going to be exiting my vagina, which is a daunting and uncomfortable prospect. So I had to reconcile that in my head, be okay with it, and just commit to it. The OTHER thing that was holding me back, was...when there is a human head in your birth canal, there is an immense amount of pressure, which in certain ways feels not dissimilar to the need to poop, and my midwife was kneeling DIRECTLY BEHIND me. I was not thrilled with the prospect of accidentally pooping on my midwife. Birth is so sexy, right!?!? So finally, the urge to "get this fucking thing out of me" and be done with the hard work of labor tipped the scale, making the fear and modesty the lesser of the concerns. On all fours on the bed, I pushed hard and the head came out. I could feel the midwives working with the baby. Jill hooked her finger in to make room for the cord so that there was no chance of it tightening around the baby's neck when it came out, and Tanya was massaging my perineum and I think turning the baby. Telling me all I needed to do was give one more push to get the shoulders out, the midwives were urging and coaxing me to give one final effort, but I felt so spent. I didn't feel I had the energy to give a big push, one momentous enough to heave a human out of my birth canal. But again, I realized that there was a human literally hanging half way out of me and halfway lodged inside of me, and all I had to do to make the whole thing end, was give one more good push, so I dug deep and I pushed hard, and felt the baby slide out, which has got to be one of the most singularly huge feelings of relief a human being can ever experience in life. The midwives had to instruct me to lay back and sit down, as I was still on all fours, and finally they placed the baby on my chest! At 5:27 in the morning of Thursday, May 09, 2019, Asa Ezra Kinsworthy was born. However, several minutes went by before we realized that no one knew, or has bothered to question, whether it was a girl or a boy 😂 I can't remember who, but someone finally thought to ask, and I think Jill checked and announced that it was a boy!
Post birth, Chad and I discussed the surreal nature of labor and delivery, how there is labor and there are the moments after delivery where a baby's presence in our midst begins, but how unrelated the two feel in the moment. For me, labor is NOT baby, but rather, as the word insinuates, is work, and only work. Because of the intensity of that work, there is no time or experience outside that moment, and during the height of delivery, there is no emotion, there is only "doing, being, working." Everything is detached, but super clear. It's one of those pivotal moments where EVERYTHING changes, but all we can do is ride the wave and take the intense and almost overwhelming moments in stride.
Riding this high of detached clarity, as soon as the baby was born, I yelled "Okay guys, come in here!" And after a few timid moments, Everett and Laurel quietly and softly came into see the baby. When envisioning my ideal birth beforehand, I wanted to be surrounded by my family for the birth of my last child. I wanted them to be a part of such an intrinsically basic but profound moment of life that so few have the honor to be a part of anymore. I wanted Everett (and maybe hopefully Laurel??) to look at their brother, Asa, over the years and remember the morning he came into the world, as they surrounded him and us with their love and presence. The birth room was full of midwives, and a doula, and the kids. There was so much bustle and activity in that small room, but suddenly the midwives and doula retreated into the kitchen to give us our privacy for that first hour, and then it was just the 5 of us (or at times the 3 of us, as the kids would come and go, on the hunt for food!) After all that craziness and effort, the calm and quiet was almost a little daunting. I felt a little lost, as though I had a hold of something that needed a manual I didn't have access to.
After about an hour, the midwives came back into the room to do care for both me and the baby. They weighed (8 lbs 6 oz) and measured (21 inches long) Asa, and also took his foot print. Of course, Asa was born at 37 weeks 5 days, but they said he presented as a 39 week baby! Meaning, I'm glad he came out when he did, because who knows how big he would have been if given the chance to cook an additional 2 weeks! They also checked my fundus to make sure my uterus was beginning to contract and shrink back down as it should.
Right after I had birthed the placenta, 12 minutes post birth, the midwives had tucked it into a chux pad and left it attached to the baby. At this time, they asked me if I was ready to cut the cord, and I was like "Sure...?" It had been a good hour, so I was okay with whatever at that point. Jill clamped the cord on two sides and we asked Everett if he wanted to help cut it, and he still said that he did, so Chad and Everett took the scissors together and helped cut Asa's umbilical cord! At my 20 week ultrasound, the tech had noted that my umbilical cord was a "peripheral" (abnormal) insertion to the placenta, as opposed to a central (normal) insertion. After doing some research, we found there are slight but noted increased risks associated with a peripheral cord insertion, so I had spent weeks 20-21 agonizing over data, deciding what I wanted to do, and whether the risk outweighed the possible benefits of a home birth. After looking at the data, and understanding that any increased risks were very small, I let the worry go and forged ahead with our plan, but I did remember that I needed to at least take a look at this damn placenta that had caused me a good week and a half of anxiety! The midwives showed it to us and the kids and explained all about placentas and umbilical cords. It was a cool thing to behold, and also a really great anatomy crash course anatomy for the kids! How many people have had the opportunity to see their sibling's placenta (let alone any placenta)!?
Because the birth happened at 5:27 AM, there's a lot more of our birth day story to tell, which will require its own post, but for the birth itself, I'll stop here, saying that it was perfect in just about every way. I was surrounded by knowledgeable, strong women who guided me, supported me, and coached me through my birth and immediate postpartum experience. I want to give an immense thank you to Tanya, Mandy, and Jill from CHOICE Midwives, as well as Elaine Tucker from Columbus Birth Support, as they guided me through the experience with calm and ease. As the morning unfolded, the deer-in-headlights feelings dissipated, and the overwhelming feeling of pure love and joy took over. Chad and I spent two glorious, wonderful days doing absolutely nothing but staring at and cuddling with our newborn. Asa was born on a Thursday morning, and now at 7 days out, I can say he's pretty much only been put down for diaper changes, spending most of his time asleep on my (or Chad's) chest, and there is absolutely NOTHING I would rather be doing right now than soaking up this new little person that Chad and I created. Asa Ezra Kinsworthy, perfect in every way, and loved so immensely by all of us, I'm so happy I was able to participate in and share the story of his birth!!
On Wednesday evening, Chad was working an event and supposed to be home around 10:00 PM. After eating dinner, playing in the backyard, cleaning the kitchen, getting some laundry started, and picking up around the house, the kids and I headed upstairs to do bedtime around 8:30, which was later than usual. Just before we were about to read books, we got a call from Chad that his event ended a bit early, so he'd be home just before 9:00. Since we were already awake when he called, we waited for him to get home before we turned out the lights so the kids could say goodnight and snuggle with him. After getting everyone to sleep, Chad and I came downstairs, scooped some ice cream, and got ready to relax on the sofa for a bit, but before we could take our first bites of ice cream, both the kids were awake, agitated, and generally upset (or if you're Laurel then just full on crying for about 30 minutes). We popped on an episode of Call the Midwife, which seemed like an appropriate show at my advanced state of pregnancy, and watched it over the screams of Laurel, who was wedged in between us. Eventually, she calmed down and was back to her regular self. Around 11:00 or so, we all went upstairs to get into bed, but Everett was still whimpering. I wondered if he might have an ear infection, but there was nothing we could do about it that night, so in an effort to get some sleep, I sent Chad and Everett to sleep in the guest bedroom downstairs and Laurel and I fell fast asleep in bed upstairs.
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| 10:33 PM So much joy, totally blessed, and not missing alone time with my husband at ALL. 7 hours before birth (which we were yet unaware was coming!) |
I awoke just around 3:30, cuddled up to my sweet Laurel May, thinking maybe I had to pee, but when I got up, I noticed a very uncomfortable cramp in my abdomen. And when I wiped after peeing, there was a bit of brown discharge on the toilet paper. The cramp wasn't the kind of cramp where you think "Oh, is that gas?" or "Hmm. Could this maybe be it?" It was the kind where you go "OW!" And then "Oh, fuck." Even though, moments before I had been in a deep sleep, it very quickly dawned on me what what happening, and since the very first contraction was intense and down to business, I immediately ran downstairs, burst in the back bedroom, and exclaimed to Chad, "I'm in labor, we need to call the midwives!" He later told me that I almost gave him a heart attack, as he'd also been in a deep sleep. After that, I immediately changed into a different tank top (a cute one for birthing in as opposed to the ratty thing I had been wearing) and a skirt (easy to birth in and incidentally the same skirt I wore when giving birth to Laurel!)
Chad called one of our two midwives, Mandy, but she wasn't going to be able to make it to the birth, so she told us to call Tanya, who is also our midwife. Tanya told us that she would be on her way presently and would also be contacting another CHOICE midwife, Jill, who would also be on her way. Then we got a hold of Marilyn, Chad's mom, who was going to come over and help take care of the kids during labor. THEN, we called Elaine Tucker, who was going to be our sibling doula/postpartum doula/photographer (talk about wearing a lot of hats!!) THEN I texted one of the families whose children I provide childcare for to tell them "Hey guys. Not 100% sure baby is coming today, but it seems like that's a strong possibility...contractions are fairly regular right now. At any rate, I don't think I'm gonna be able to watch the kids today!! Sorry my babies never follow their due date schedule!!." (In hindsight, OF COURSE a baby was coming...in about an hour!!) With the impressive number of phone calls and texts out of the way, I got down to the business of laboring in earnest.
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| 3:58 AM. Grinning through a contraction! 24 minutes after waking up and 1 hour 29 minutes before giving birth! |
While we were making phone calls, I had Chad grab a chux pad for me to sit on in the living room on the sofa. It wasn't too long, probably around 3:50, before Everett began to stir in the back bedroom. Before bed he had been complaining of ear pain, but when I went to get him out of bed, he grinned at me and said "Mommy, my ears don't hurt anymore. I feel better!" Everett ventured out to the living room and sat down next to me, sleepy eyed but happy and in good spirits. UNTIL that is, my water broke! He was sitting right next to me when I exclaimed "Oh, some-thing is coming out of me. I think my water is breaking." He looked at me and Chad and exclaimed "Oh, I'm tired! I just need to go lay down in bed!" And he ran to the back bedroom and dove right into bed. We asked him if he wanted to come out and he said "Nope! I'm just feeling tired right now!" But it wasn't long before he couldn't resist coming back out and joining the fray. I absolutely loved it when he climbed into the hassock where I store my pillows and blankets that I use in the evenings when we're relaxing on the sofa. There he stayed nestled in his little cocoon of blankets and pillows while I continued to labor nearby on the sofa. I asked him if he was nervous or what he was feeling, and he confidently announced, "I'm nothing. I'm just fine!"
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| Our weekend To-Do list that we made hours before going to bed Wednesday night. Obviously none of those things got done! |
At 4:05 AM, I heard Laurel begin to fuss upstairs from bed, and Chad went up to bring her downstairs. She was pretty groggy so Chad put her in the sling. After that, Chad, Everett, and Laurel marched upstairs to get a light for the birthing room. At the advice of our doula, who we had met with earlier the previous day, we had planned to put up white string lights in the birth room, for photography lighting in case I gave birth at night time, but I also loved the idea for the ambiance. Unfortunately, we never had time to do that! Also, during this time, I had Chad change the Baby Watch sign on our chalk board so that it read 37.5! (For 37 weeks 5 days pregnant when I would give birth to the baby.) I wanted to get the dishwasher of clean dishes unloaded, so we could start the next day with a clean slate for the doula and anyone else who might be using our kitchen. I had wanted to get a picture of me pregnant for the last time in front of the 37.5 sign, but things were moving so fast that I was never able to accomplish that and a few other things I had wanted to wrap up before the birth. I also downloaded a contraction app and started timing my contractions, which were lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute with a 1.5 to 3 minute break in between. ALL OF THAT, everything I have written above happened pretty much between 3:35 and 4:10 AM.
Tanya was the first to arrive right around 4:15 AM, which is also the time that my contractions got intense enough that I needed to vocalize. I moaned through them, loudly and with purpose, and somewhere in the back of my head I remembered to keep my breathing and vocalization measured and anchored, using everything I've learned in yoga over the years to keep calm, focused, and in the moment. It hurt, and I was not happy about being rudely awakened in the middle of the night to endure painful cramps that would only mount in strength and intensity, but I quickly accepted where I was. When Tanya arrived, with her birth bag in hand, she went straight for her doppler, to check the baby's heartbeat, which sounded great. Then soon after, Jill, a midwife who I recognized but had never met before showed up. Tanya and Jill began setting up in the birth room and I was also periodically going to the bathroom, to void my bowels, as one so sexily does several times during the labor process. Sitting there on the toilet with the door open and activity happening all around me, I said to Chad at one point as he whizzed by "Well, I guess this is really happening because there is NO OTHER TIME IN MY LIFE when I would be pooping with the bathroom door wide open and not giving any fucks about who was around!!
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| 4:30 AM. Tanya checked the heartbeat and all was well. 57 minutes before birth! |
During all of this, Chad was running around getting things done and taking care of the kids, with Laurel in a sling on his chest as she requested (he's a nice guy, I would have put her on my back so fast 😂), but I, back in the living room, was quickly starting to realize that I really needed Chad's support and asked him to pass Laurel off to Marilyn, who had also recently arrived. Funnily enough, the guy we had been worrying about how he would handle labor was Everett, but he was taking everything in stride and hanging in there like a champ! (In his hassock cocoon!) Laurel on the other hand seemed overwhelmed, exhausted, and in need of her Daddy, so the hand off from Daddy to Nonna was sad and tear-filled, but I was buried so deep in my own experience, that I could do nothing more than mentally acknowledge what was going on and then let it go. Not to mention, I knew that she was in good hands and would soon be okay (which was 100% the case!) At 4:36 AM, still sitting in the living room on my chux pad, I got a text from Elaine, the doula, saying "All packed up and about ready to take off, stopping for a coffee first. That puts me there in about 15-20 min. Just checking that it still feels progressive and ok to join?" To which I replied "Contractions are 1-2 minutes apart..." And she said "Ok. I'm gonna skip the coffee! 🤣 Headed over." Somehow, amidst the intense contractions, I had the wherewithal to let her know that we had coffee here, ha!
Around 5:00 AM, with everyone assembled, I was still laboring in the living room when I had a contraction during which instead of letting out a groan, a kind of grunt escaped from me, and I thought "Oh shit, here we go!" Tanya said, "Well, that sounded pushy." And a decision was made to head back to the birth room." Chux pads were scattered liberally over the bed and under where I was standing and the midwives checked the baby's heart rate again, which sounded good. With each contraction, I was leaking fluids and getting into the head space that I was about to push a human out of my vagina (which is no small mindset to achieve!) I stood at the edge of the bed, leaning against poor Chad during each contraction. Originally he was standing, but there was no way he could bear the weight of me leaning hard into him for each contraction, so he eventually got down on his knees for better leverage. I eventually started leaning on the bed with my knees, and the midwives were giving suggestions for positions that might be comfortable for me, but I was in that place where no position was going to feel comfortable, and was wracked with the overwhelming indecision of terrible discomfort no matter my placement. Tanya checked the baby's progress and let us know that the head was only 2 knuckles deep...a minute or two later, one knuckle deep. Tanya asked Chad if he wanted to see the head, and sure enough there it was! Tanya commented on the amount of hair and how the baby followed suit with its siblings. During this whole process of pushing, I can hear Marilyn reading about dinosaurs to the kids on the sofa in the living room. Laurel was apparently nestled up close to her brother, looking to him for comfort, as she does anytime she feels herself out of her element or insecure, which is one of those things that, as a parent, makes your heart swell with joy.
At this point, I was deep in the pushing phase and Tanya was kneeling on the floor behind me, telling me "You're clenching your butt!" And Jill was saying, "Open and release." Because really the only thing that was keeping the baby from being born at this point was me being inside my head and holding myself back. Two things were at play here, because I knew the next time I "did work", a human head, followed by a human body, was going to be exiting my vagina, which is a daunting and uncomfortable prospect. So I had to reconcile that in my head, be okay with it, and just commit to it. The OTHER thing that was holding me back, was...when there is a human head in your birth canal, there is an immense amount of pressure, which in certain ways feels not dissimilar to the need to poop, and my midwife was kneeling DIRECTLY BEHIND me. I was not thrilled with the prospect of accidentally pooping on my midwife. Birth is so sexy, right!?!? So finally, the urge to "get this fucking thing out of me" and be done with the hard work of labor tipped the scale, making the fear and modesty the lesser of the concerns. On all fours on the bed, I pushed hard and the head came out. I could feel the midwives working with the baby. Jill hooked her finger in to make room for the cord so that there was no chance of it tightening around the baby's neck when it came out, and Tanya was massaging my perineum and I think turning the baby. Telling me all I needed to do was give one more push to get the shoulders out, the midwives were urging and coaxing me to give one final effort, but I felt so spent. I didn't feel I had the energy to give a big push, one momentous enough to heave a human out of my birth canal. But again, I realized that there was a human literally hanging half way out of me and halfway lodged inside of me, and all I had to do to make the whole thing end, was give one more good push, so I dug deep and I pushed hard, and felt the baby slide out, which has got to be one of the most singularly huge feelings of relief a human being can ever experience in life. The midwives had to instruct me to lay back and sit down, as I was still on all fours, and finally they placed the baby on my chest! At 5:27 in the morning of Thursday, May 09, 2019, Asa Ezra Kinsworthy was born. However, several minutes went by before we realized that no one knew, or has bothered to question, whether it was a girl or a boy 😂 I can't remember who, but someone finally thought to ask, and I think Jill checked and announced that it was a boy!
 |
| 5:57 AM. Our very first family portrait! 30 minutes post birth. |
Post birth, Chad and I discussed the surreal nature of labor and delivery, how there is labor and there are the moments after delivery where a baby's presence in our midst begins, but how unrelated the two feel in the moment. For me, labor is NOT baby, but rather, as the word insinuates, is work, and only work. Because of the intensity of that work, there is no time or experience outside that moment, and during the height of delivery, there is no emotion, there is only "doing, being, working." Everything is detached, but super clear. It's one of those pivotal moments where EVERYTHING changes, but all we can do is ride the wave and take the intense and almost overwhelming moments in stride.
 |
| 6:13 AM Nursing the new babe! 45 minutes post birth. |
Riding this high of detached clarity, as soon as the baby was born, I yelled "Okay guys, come in here!" And after a few timid moments, Everett and Laurel quietly and softly came into see the baby. When envisioning my ideal birth beforehand, I wanted to be surrounded by my family for the birth of my last child. I wanted them to be a part of such an intrinsically basic but profound moment of life that so few have the honor to be a part of anymore. I wanted Everett (and maybe hopefully Laurel??) to look at their brother, Asa, over the years and remember the morning he came into the world, as they surrounded him and us with their love and presence. The birth room was full of midwives, and a doula, and the kids. There was so much bustle and activity in that small room, but suddenly the midwives and doula retreated into the kitchen to give us our privacy for that first hour, and then it was just the 5 of us (or at times the 3 of us, as the kids would come and go, on the hunt for food!) After all that craziness and effort, the calm and quiet was almost a little daunting. I felt a little lost, as though I had a hold of something that needed a manual I didn't have access to.
 |
| 6:15 AM Best family portrait ever!! |
After about an hour, the midwives came back into the room to do care for both me and the baby. They weighed (8 lbs 6 oz) and measured (21 inches long) Asa, and also took his foot print. Of course, Asa was born at 37 weeks 5 days, but they said he presented as a 39 week baby! Meaning, I'm glad he came out when he did, because who knows how big he would have been if given the chance to cook an additional 2 weeks! They also checked my fundus to make sure my uterus was beginning to contract and shrink back down as it should.
 |
| Baby Asa's Birth Stats!! |
Right after I had birthed the placenta, 12 minutes post birth, the midwives had tucked it into a chux pad and left it attached to the baby. At this time, they asked me if I was ready to cut the cord, and I was like "Sure...?" It had been a good hour, so I was okay with whatever at that point. Jill clamped the cord on two sides and we asked Everett if he wanted to help cut it, and he still said that he did, so Chad and Everett took the scissors together and helped cut Asa's umbilical cord! At my 20 week ultrasound, the tech had noted that my umbilical cord was a "peripheral" (abnormal) insertion to the placenta, as opposed to a central (normal) insertion. After doing some research, we found there are slight but noted increased risks associated with a peripheral cord insertion, so I had spent weeks 20-21 agonizing over data, deciding what I wanted to do, and whether the risk outweighed the possible benefits of a home birth. After looking at the data, and understanding that any increased risks were very small, I let the worry go and forged ahead with our plan, but I did remember that I needed to at least take a look at this damn placenta that had caused me a good week and a half of anxiety! The midwives showed it to us and the kids and explained all about placentas and umbilical cords. It was a cool thing to behold, and also a really great anatomy crash course anatomy for the kids! How many people have had the opportunity to see their sibling's placenta (let alone any placenta)!?
 |
| 7:00 AM Weighing the baby!! |
 |
| 7:41 AM Sweet little hands reaching out to their new little sibling |
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Pregnancy Update: Week 34 Recap!
How far along? 35 +1
Total weight gain: I was 164.4, which is a total weight gain of 29 pounds so far.
Baby’s size/development this week: Baby is approximately 5 pounds 12 ounces!!!
Maternity clothes: So many dresses and yoga pants
Miss anything? Everett still keeps talking about how he misses running with me and how we're going to do it again this summer!! ❤❤❤
Food cravings: Mmmm, food.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really.
Sleep: I have been waking up at 4:00 lately and not able to fall back asleep for at least an hour. That kinda sucks. I've also finally had to start getting up to pee in the night, which probably doesn't help things. I'm impressed that I made it so long before having to do so. Probably ruined my bladder. 😂
Best moment of the week: The Earth Day Celebration with the kids was pretty awesome, but tiring. Easter today was really fun, and I got to rest while Chad took the kids to Lowe's and Lucky's, so it was the most rest/quiet I've had all week and it was very restorative. Also Chad is brewing beer while I write this and the kids are sleeping upstairs, and this is also pretty awesome.
Nursery: Nope! We are vaguely considering what sleeping arrangements will look like...I still have no idea. 😂
Weddings rings on or off? On!
Belly Button: Stretched and sad looking.
Movement? It's still kicking around in there. The movements aren't as pronounced as before, but definitely still there! Also, baby just had the hiccups. I freaked out last weekend thinking that it was moving less and went to St. Anne's to get a non-stress test...they told me that the test and baby's responses looked "gorgeous." So now I am doing kick counts every night...yeah...
Labor signs? I'm not in labor yet, or anything, but things are definitely starting to feel real. Part of why I couldn't sleep at 4:00 AM was low cramping in my stomach. It didn't feel like contractions exactly, but just...headed in that direction. My stomach has felt crampy all day and I'm having tons of Braxton Hicks. I'm starting to feel tired again and I'm getting so big that I'm starting to have thoughts of labor as a tantalizing mirage instead of "that fucking hard work that I kind of don't want to do."
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: I think I had some pretty intense sciatica today...
Daddy is feeling: Chad has been working a lot which has been fun for him, but also stressful at a time when I'm slowing down. We're both trying to simultaneously get shit done and just hang in there.
Mommy is feeling: Tired. Crampy.
Workouts this week:
I did some Momma Strong workouts earlier in the week and one prenatal yoga session at home with Chad, but most of my working out has been running around chasing kids, gardening, etc. Maybe I should be doing more, but honestly I'm getting to the point where just getting through the day seems like a workout unto itself.
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
It's hard finding the energy to read at the end of the day, so we'll see if I can actually finish anything!
PODCAST:
MOVIES: I just started watching the last season of Terrace House Karuizawa and it is on point!
Looking forward to: EVERETT TURNS 5 TOMORROW! EVERETT + LAUREL are having a birthday party on Saturday and I'm super excited about that!!
Total weight gain: I was 164.4, which is a total weight gain of 29 pounds so far.
Baby’s size/development this week: Baby is approximately 5 pounds 12 ounces!!!
Maternity clothes: So many dresses and yoga pants
Miss anything? Everett still keeps talking about how he misses running with me and how we're going to do it again this summer!! ❤❤❤
Food cravings: Mmmm, food.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really.
Sleep: I have been waking up at 4:00 lately and not able to fall back asleep for at least an hour. That kinda sucks. I've also finally had to start getting up to pee in the night, which probably doesn't help things. I'm impressed that I made it so long before having to do so. Probably ruined my bladder. 😂
Best moment of the week: The Earth Day Celebration with the kids was pretty awesome, but tiring. Easter today was really fun, and I got to rest while Chad took the kids to Lowe's and Lucky's, so it was the most rest/quiet I've had all week and it was very restorative. Also Chad is brewing beer while I write this and the kids are sleeping upstairs, and this is also pretty awesome.
Nursery: Nope! We are vaguely considering what sleeping arrangements will look like...I still have no idea. 😂
Weddings rings on or off? On!
Belly Button: Stretched and sad looking.
Movement? It's still kicking around in there. The movements aren't as pronounced as before, but definitely still there! Also, baby just had the hiccups. I freaked out last weekend thinking that it was moving less and went to St. Anne's to get a non-stress test...they told me that the test and baby's responses looked "gorgeous." So now I am doing kick counts every night...yeah...
Labor signs? I'm not in labor yet, or anything, but things are definitely starting to feel real. Part of why I couldn't sleep at 4:00 AM was low cramping in my stomach. It didn't feel like contractions exactly, but just...headed in that direction. My stomach has felt crampy all day and I'm having tons of Braxton Hicks. I'm starting to feel tired again and I'm getting so big that I'm starting to have thoughts of labor as a tantalizing mirage instead of "that fucking hard work that I kind of don't want to do."
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: I think I had some pretty intense sciatica today...
Daddy is feeling: Chad has been working a lot which has been fun for him, but also stressful at a time when I'm slowing down. We're both trying to simultaneously get shit done and just hang in there.
Mommy is feeling: Tired. Crampy.
Workouts this week:
I did some Momma Strong workouts earlier in the week and one prenatal yoga session at home with Chad, but most of my working out has been running around chasing kids, gardening, etc. Maybe I should be doing more, but honestly I'm getting to the point where just getting through the day seems like a workout unto itself.
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
It's hard finding the energy to read at the end of the day, so we'll see if I can actually finish anything!
PODCAST:
MOVIES: I just started watching the last season of Terrace House Karuizawa and it is on point!
Looking forward to: EVERETT TURNS 5 TOMORROW! EVERETT + LAUREL are having a birthday party on Saturday and I'm super excited about that!!
Friday, April 12, 2019
Pregnancy Update: 33 Weeks Recap!
Wow! I'll be 34 weeks pregnant tomorrow. With a max of 6 weeks left (most likely), it's really starting to hit me that baby (and labor!!) is right around the corner. We finally have our payments to the CHOICE midwives paid off, which we have been paying down for the past 6 months and frankly has been KILLING us. But that's okay, because we have Everett's preschool payment that's due at the beginning of May, on top of Laurel and Everett's birthday party, on top of the payment to the doula, on top of summer camp fees!! From a financial perspective, having kids was really dumb! 😂 In all actuality though, the only thing I am really sad about is not being able to afford a birth photographer, but the doula will take some for an added fee of $75, which is not bad, considering the photographers I looked at ranged from $750-2000 for birth photography packages. Plus, there's the added benefit of not having an extra person in the house, distracting us.
The last few weekends, Chad and I have been alternating between trying to get the most done around the house before the baby comes and enjoying a last few weekends to ourselves. My mom watched the kids two weekends ago and Chad's mom watched them last weekend. We got the kids' playroom painted, painted some of the baseboards in the kitchen that looked really ratty, Chad brewed some beer (apparently that was a priority, ha!). Aside from all of that, I have been trying to get the basement in order and get rid of old stuff that we're not using anymore, organize all the kids' clothes. We started building a trellis for our blackberries yesterday...I want to get the garden in order as much as possible as well before the baby comes since we probably won't have time to do any major work for the first several weeks (or months??) after the baby comes.
Chad and I also went down and spent the weekend in a cabin in Lake Hope State Park as a last hurrah of sorts and it was AMAZING!! We got there on Friday evening, grilled out some burgers, had a fire in our living room, and lazed about watching bad TV. Saturday morning Chad ran a 1/2 trail marathon (which apparently was pretty brutal!) and I got in a 3 mile hike. After that, we spent the day lazing around the cabin, taking small walks, and enjoying the scenery. In the evening, we roasted hot dogs in the fireplace in our living room and watched The Most Dangerous Catch marathon, which was awesome! After we got ourselves all packed up on Sunday morning, we picked up Everett and took him to a Monster Truck Rally for his birthday, which was AWESOME! It was a whirlwind of a weekend that was at equal turns hectic and relaxing. It was really nice to get away and enjoy some time with Chad without feeling like we had to get stuff done around the house or accomplish anything meaningful. We will definitely be back for some mini-vacations at the state park cabins this summer - they were really nice and I just kept thinking about how much the kids would love them!
I think that's all the ruminations I had for now, let's get on with the updates...
How far along? 34 weeks tomorrow
Total weight gain: I was 164.2, which is a total weight gain of 29 pounds so far.
Baby’s size/development this week: Baby is approximately 4.7 pounds!!!
Maternity clothes: I'm moving into the "large" maternity clothing category. I might as well just get some mumus until this whole thing is over.
Miss anything? Yesterday Everett said he missed running with me, and he missed me running with him while he rides his bike. 😢 Me too, buddy, me too!! I also miss being able to hold my children or give my husband a hug without having to turn sideways or think about how I'm going to get up or fit through spaces. I also miss not having to turn sideways to do the dishes.
Food cravings: Mmmm, food.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really.
Sleep: Everett and Laurel have been cuddling up next to me all week, and Laurel has been FIDGITY...not the best sleep! But it has been pretty adorable, so I'm mostly okay with it.
Best moment of the week: Sitting on my back porch with my family in the evening, enjoying dinner outside and our yard. It's been the best.
Nursery: None to speak of.
Weddings rings on or off? On!
Belly Button: Stretched and sad looking.
Movement? Yes, it's getting to that creepy level instead of the cute little bumps! I have realized when I'm feeling hiccups though, so that's been really cute.
Labor signs? Last night for the first time I felt crampy and my back was bothering me. I realized that I probably need to take it easy and be mindful of doing too much over the next few weeks. I don't want to go into labor early!
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: Maybe instead of listing the weird pregnancy thing of the week, I can list all the terrible things that happen during pregnancy...
Severe constipation, hemmerhoids, symphysis pubis diastasis (SPD), vulvar varicosities...I'm trying to think if there are other disgusting things that are happening to my body...probably...there are just too many to count.
Daddy is feeling: Chad is feeling okay, I think. He had a doctor's appointment for his ongoing back pain yesterday, which is way better than last fall, but still a niggling pain. He's also got high blood pressure and cholesterol, which just sucks considering he has a pretty good diet, weight, and workout routine! Ugh!!
Mommy is feeling: Tired.
Workouts this week:
I haven't been working out per se, but I have been staying pretty active, getting lots of steps in every day, an average of 7,000 per day, which I figure isn't too bad considering I'm pregnant as hell and confined to the house doing childcare most days.
Sunday:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday:
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
It's hard finding the energy to read at the end of the day, so we'll see if I can actually finish anything!
White Kids: Growing Up with Privilege in a Racially Divided America
PODCAST:
MOVIES:
Looking forward to: The weekend!
The last few weekends, Chad and I have been alternating between trying to get the most done around the house before the baby comes and enjoying a last few weekends to ourselves. My mom watched the kids two weekends ago and Chad's mom watched them last weekend. We got the kids' playroom painted, painted some of the baseboards in the kitchen that looked really ratty, Chad brewed some beer (apparently that was a priority, ha!). Aside from all of that, I have been trying to get the basement in order and get rid of old stuff that we're not using anymore, organize all the kids' clothes. We started building a trellis for our blackberries yesterday...I want to get the garden in order as much as possible as well before the baby comes since we probably won't have time to do any major work for the first several weeks (or months??) after the baby comes.
Chad and I also went down and spent the weekend in a cabin in Lake Hope State Park as a last hurrah of sorts and it was AMAZING!! We got there on Friday evening, grilled out some burgers, had a fire in our living room, and lazed about watching bad TV. Saturday morning Chad ran a 1/2 trail marathon (which apparently was pretty brutal!) and I got in a 3 mile hike. After that, we spent the day lazing around the cabin, taking small walks, and enjoying the scenery. In the evening, we roasted hot dogs in the fireplace in our living room and watched The Most Dangerous Catch marathon, which was awesome! After we got ourselves all packed up on Sunday morning, we picked up Everett and took him to a Monster Truck Rally for his birthday, which was AWESOME! It was a whirlwind of a weekend that was at equal turns hectic and relaxing. It was really nice to get away and enjoy some time with Chad without feeling like we had to get stuff done around the house or accomplish anything meaningful. We will definitely be back for some mini-vacations at the state park cabins this summer - they were really nice and I just kept thinking about how much the kids would love them!
I think that's all the ruminations I had for now, let's get on with the updates...
How far along? 34 weeks tomorrow
Total weight gain: I was 164.2, which is a total weight gain of 29 pounds so far.
Baby’s size/development this week: Baby is approximately 4.7 pounds!!!
Maternity clothes: I'm moving into the "large" maternity clothing category. I might as well just get some mumus until this whole thing is over.
Miss anything? Yesterday Everett said he missed running with me, and he missed me running with him while he rides his bike. 😢 Me too, buddy, me too!! I also miss being able to hold my children or give my husband a hug without having to turn sideways or think about how I'm going to get up or fit through spaces. I also miss not having to turn sideways to do the dishes.
Food cravings: Mmmm, food.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really.
Sleep: Everett and Laurel have been cuddling up next to me all week, and Laurel has been FIDGITY...not the best sleep! But it has been pretty adorable, so I'm mostly okay with it.
Best moment of the week: Sitting on my back porch with my family in the evening, enjoying dinner outside and our yard. It's been the best.
Nursery: None to speak of.
Weddings rings on or off? On!
Belly Button: Stretched and sad looking.
Movement? Yes, it's getting to that creepy level instead of the cute little bumps! I have realized when I'm feeling hiccups though, so that's been really cute.
Labor signs? Last night for the first time I felt crampy and my back was bothering me. I realized that I probably need to take it easy and be mindful of doing too much over the next few weeks. I don't want to go into labor early!
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: Maybe instead of listing the weird pregnancy thing of the week, I can list all the terrible things that happen during pregnancy...
Severe constipation, hemmerhoids, symphysis pubis diastasis (SPD), vulvar varicosities...I'm trying to think if there are other disgusting things that are happening to my body...probably...there are just too many to count.
Daddy is feeling: Chad is feeling okay, I think. He had a doctor's appointment for his ongoing back pain yesterday, which is way better than last fall, but still a niggling pain. He's also got high blood pressure and cholesterol, which just sucks considering he has a pretty good diet, weight, and workout routine! Ugh!!
Mommy is feeling: Tired.
Workouts this week:
I haven't been working out per se, but I have been staying pretty active, getting lots of steps in every day, an average of 7,000 per day, which I figure isn't too bad considering I'm pregnant as hell and confined to the house doing childcare most days.
Sunday:
Monday:
Tuesday:
Wednesday:
Thursday:
Friday:
Saturday:
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
It's hard finding the energy to read at the end of the day, so we'll see if I can actually finish anything!
White Kids: Growing Up with Privilege in a Racially Divided America
PODCAST:
MOVIES:
Looking forward to: The weekend!
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Pregnancy Update: Week 30 Recap!
How far along? 31 weeks as of yesterday!
Total weight gain: 25 pounds
Baby’s size/development this week: At 30 weeks, the baby was almost 16 inches and 3 pounds! Whoa!
Maternity clothes: Definitely! Picked up a few new items off the Buy/Sell/Trade this week, including two nursing tanks, which I'm looking forward to since I've never had official nursing attire before!!
Miss anything? Not having back pain when I have an active day. Being able to keep up with my kids when they run or ride their bikes down the trail.
Food cravings: Need to do my late-pregnancy Peanut Butter Bumpers cereal for dinner ritual coming up here soon!! t😁
Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope!
Sleep: Sleep has been pretty good this week. We actually got 8 hours last night, which was a good feeling.
Best moment of the week: The WHOLE weekend!! We went to the OSU Museum for Biological Diversity's open house yesterday, took a walk at the OSU wetlands yesterday and today, a walk down Walhalla, and had a play date with one of Everett's preschool friends. The weather was great and it was so nice to get outside and play.
Nursery: None to speak of.
Weddings rings on or off? On!
Belly Button: Stretched and weird but in-ish.
Movement? Yes, especially when I eat ice cream and other sweet treats.
Labor signs? NO!!
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: Last night my belly button was sore, I think from my rapidly expanding stomach.
Daddy is feeling: Daddy has been sick all week and not feeling the best. He missed his long run on Saturday, which was a first for him.
Mommy is feeling: I got up early with the kids on Saturday and Sunday to let Chad sleep for an extra hour or so in the mornings this weekend, and then we had a busy (but kind of relaxing??) weekend, for which I was up to the task. The extreme exhaustion of a few weeks ago seems to be waning, so I'm happy I can pitch in and do more right now!!
Workouts this week:
Sunday:
Monday: 2 mile walk with the family
Tuesday:
Wednesday: Prenatal yoga class at Give Yoga
Thursday: 2.25 mile walk with the family
Friday:
Saturday: Two 1.5 mile walks in the great weather with my family :)
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
Black Faces in White Places
PODCAST:
Outside Podcast
On Point: "To Improve Breastfeeding, Babies Get Their Tongues Clipped. Is It Necessary?"
MOVIES:
Moonlight
Looking forward to:
Total weight gain: 25 pounds
Baby’s size/development this week: At 30 weeks, the baby was almost 16 inches and 3 pounds! Whoa!
Maternity clothes: Definitely! Picked up a few new items off the Buy/Sell/Trade this week, including two nursing tanks, which I'm looking forward to since I've never had official nursing attire before!!
Miss anything? Not having back pain when I have an active day. Being able to keep up with my kids when they run or ride their bikes down the trail.
Food cravings: Need to do my late-pregnancy Peanut Butter Bumpers cereal for dinner ritual coming up here soon!! t😁
Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope!
Sleep: Sleep has been pretty good this week. We actually got 8 hours last night, which was a good feeling.
Best moment of the week: The WHOLE weekend!! We went to the OSU Museum for Biological Diversity's open house yesterday, took a walk at the OSU wetlands yesterday and today, a walk down Walhalla, and had a play date with one of Everett's preschool friends. The weather was great and it was so nice to get outside and play.
Nursery: None to speak of.
Weddings rings on or off? On!
Belly Button: Stretched and weird but in-ish.
Movement? Yes, especially when I eat ice cream and other sweet treats.
Labor signs? NO!!
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: Last night my belly button was sore, I think from my rapidly expanding stomach.
Daddy is feeling: Daddy has been sick all week and not feeling the best. He missed his long run on Saturday, which was a first for him.
Mommy is feeling: I got up early with the kids on Saturday and Sunday to let Chad sleep for an extra hour or so in the mornings this weekend, and then we had a busy (but kind of relaxing??) weekend, for which I was up to the task. The extreme exhaustion of a few weeks ago seems to be waning, so I'm happy I can pitch in and do more right now!!
Workouts this week:
Sunday:
Monday: 2 mile walk with the family
Tuesday:
Wednesday: Prenatal yoga class at Give Yoga
Thursday: 2.25 mile walk with the family
Friday:
Saturday: Two 1.5 mile walks in the great weather with my family :)
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
Black Faces in White Places
PODCAST:
Outside Podcast
On Point: "To Improve Breastfeeding, Babies Get Their Tongues Clipped. Is It Necessary?"
MOVIES:
Moonlight
Looking forward to:
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Pregnancy Update: 29 Weeks Recap!
How far along? 30 weeks today!
Total weight gain: 24 pounds
Baby’s size/development this week:
Maternity clothes: My stomach is starting to get too large for my "small" maternity shirts.
Miss anything? Not feeling whale-like. Easy tasks being easy (i.e. getting out of bed)
Food cravings: I am attempting to make a 3-layer coconut cake today, if that tells you anything...
Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope!
Sleep: Not too bad. Laurel was raspy and congested so I was up a lot in the night worrying about her, repositioning her, making her drink water, etc.
Best moment of the week: Realizing that the pretty severe pelvic pain I Had earlier in the week wasn't permanent.
Nursery: None to speak of.
Weddings rings on or off? On! An improvement over last pregnancy when they were off at this juncture.
Belly Button: In!
Movement? The movements are going transitioning from "cute" to "yeow!"
Labor signs? NO!!
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: Not weird, but pretty sure I have Symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD) and earlier in the week, it HURT. Rolling over in bed was extremely painful, as were stairs, and even walking. I was worried that the next 10 weeks were going to be a nightmare, but it seems like it's gotten better with some rest. I'm going to try backing off the super stretchy poses in yoga and see if that helps.
Daddy is feeling: "Pretty good, all things considered! My hamstrings are kind of sore, which I'm pretty sure is due to my back issue, but other than that, I feel pretty good. I feel better having taken that Advil...I just need to get through the day." (<--That's what he said when said "Daddy, how are you feeling!?)
Mommy is feeling: Slow and lumbering
Workouts this week:
Sunday: Rest due to pelvic pain
Monday: Rest due to pelvic pain
Tuesday: Aqua aerobics at gym
Wednesday: 2 mile walk with the family in the warm spring-like air
Thursday: Aqua aerobics at gym with Daddy!
Friday: No workouts but a pretty active day cleaning, getting Everett from daycare, shopping, etc.
Saturday: 35 minutes on the elliptical
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
Endure: Mind, Body, and the Curiously Elastic Limits of Human Performance
Patanjali's Yoga
Black Faces in White Places
PODCAST:
Outside Podcast
Looking forward to:
Total weight gain: 24 pounds
Baby’s size/development this week:
Maternity clothes: My stomach is starting to get too large for my "small" maternity shirts.
Miss anything? Not feeling whale-like. Easy tasks being easy (i.e. getting out of bed)
Food cravings: I am attempting to make a 3-layer coconut cake today, if that tells you anything...
Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope!
Sleep: Not too bad. Laurel was raspy and congested so I was up a lot in the night worrying about her, repositioning her, making her drink water, etc.
Best moment of the week: Realizing that the pretty severe pelvic pain I Had earlier in the week wasn't permanent.
Nursery: None to speak of.
Weddings rings on or off? On! An improvement over last pregnancy when they were off at this juncture.
Belly Button: In!
Movement? The movements are going transitioning from "cute" to "yeow!"
Labor signs? NO!!
Weird pregnancy thing of the week: Not weird, but pretty sure I have Symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD) and earlier in the week, it HURT. Rolling over in bed was extremely painful, as were stairs, and even walking. I was worried that the next 10 weeks were going to be a nightmare, but it seems like it's gotten better with some rest. I'm going to try backing off the super stretchy poses in yoga and see if that helps.
Daddy is feeling: "Pretty good, all things considered! My hamstrings are kind of sore, which I'm pretty sure is due to my back issue, but other than that, I feel pretty good. I feel better having taken that Advil...I just need to get through the day." (<--That's what he said when said "Daddy, how are you feeling!?)
Mommy is feeling: Slow and lumbering
Workouts this week:
Sunday: Rest due to pelvic pain
Monday: Rest due to pelvic pain
Tuesday: Aqua aerobics at gym
Wednesday: 2 mile walk with the family in the warm spring-like air
Thursday: Aqua aerobics at gym with Daddy!
Friday: No workouts but a pretty active day cleaning, getting Everett from daycare, shopping, etc.
Saturday: 35 minutes on the elliptical
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
Endure: Mind, Body, and the Curiously Elastic Limits of Human Performance
Patanjali's Yoga
Black Faces in White Places
PODCAST:
Outside Podcast
Looking forward to:
Friday, March 8, 2019
Pregnancy Update: 28 Weeks Recap!
As I write, I am 29 (minus one day!) weeks pregnant with my third baby! I'm now solidly into the third trimester with my last sweet baby and toggling back and forth between trying to enjoy every moment of it and being overcome with exhaustion. Our midwives say that the tiredness peaks around 28 weeks when your body finishes building it's supply of extra blood!! In some ways, I feel much better in this pregnancy because my and Chad's schedule are much more flexible. This is the first time he hasn't been working AND in school and the weight off our shoulders is HUGE.
One notable aspect to Chad's recent graduation is that I have had time to go to the gym, which we recently joined, and focus on my yoga practice as well. As far as workouts go, I was mostly focusing on the elliptical and getting in cardio every other day, but it was boring and I was getting burnt out. Plus, the cardio-only seemed one dimensional and lacking. I went to a prenatal yoga class one Saturday afternoon about a month ago, and it totally kicked my ass! I was pretty sore the next day, so I have started trying to add more yoga into my daily life. I have been toggling between strengthening days and gentler, more mindful days. In addition to that, I have been doing an aqua aerobics on Tuesdays at 6:00 and doing at least one yoga practice at the studio (as opposed to at home). Labor and birth are pretty hard on your body, so I want to be as strong as possible going into it. Aside from that, the end of labor gets pretty intense and somewhat painful, so for me, challenging my body through a yoga practice while focusing on breath is an important way for me to prepare for labor. I want to be able to breathe through the pain, recognize its purpose, and use it to my advantage, rather than let it overwhelm or panic me. I have been focusing on mindfulness lately, and am interested in how yoga can help me achieve focus, calm, and clarity, both in pregnancy and further in my daily life going forward. The other thing I've been appreciating about my daily yoga practice is that it gives me a chance to stop moving, stop doing, look inward, and focus on the little life growing in my body. Usually during the end of the practice in savasana, I put my hands on my belly and feel the baby kick, kick, kicking away.
As far as the baby's movement goes, the creature in there is an active little person! I first started feeling movement around 16-17 weeks, and the first time Chad was able to feel the baby was the day before Christmas Eve, which was around 18 weeks. I've heard that a lot of times, people aren't able to feel the baby from the outside until closer to 25-26 weeks, so this kid must be a beast :)
I wanted to make sure that I wrote about my experiences with this baby so I would have something to present them with about their formation in the future. Before you have children, you don't know it, but you have alllllll the free time in the world, so it's very easy in your first pregnancy to sit around, literally navel gazing, and contemplating all the changes that are coming in your life. It's an especially transformative time as well, because as adults, we are transitioning fully into adulthood ourselves, preparing ourselves to become caregivers, and for the first time put another human before ourselves. With subsequent pregnancies and children, we parents are already deeply entrenched in the daily practice of keeping helpless, little humans alive, hearing their tiny but very real struggles, kissing scraped knees, reading books, providing projects and activities, and laying down with them as they drift off to dreamland each night. It can be an all-encompassing and busy job, which leaves little time for navel gazing, in the way we had time for before we had anyone but ourselves to care for. BUT rest assured, little one, the moment you arrive, we will care for you with the same fervor and attention that we gave to your siblings before you. We will wake in all hours of the night to breastfeed you, change your diaper, and stare into your sleepless little eyes. As you grow, we will read you books, wipe your nose, and meet (most of!) your snack demands! Please never think of your status as forgotten third, the child who received the least or for whom your parents were too busy to think about. We wanted to give you (all of you!) the gift of a family bursting with support and love. Someday, when your father and I are old, too old to be the strong ones who care for YOU anymore, we wanted to give you a support system and a team that you could rely on for the entirety of your life. We wanted to give you friends to run around in the backyard with, chasing fireflies on warm summer evenings, and buddies to snuggle up with on cold winter nights.
I can tell you that already your siblings, Everett and Laurel, look forward to your arrival with anticipation. Everett, who is just about 5, loves to put his hand on my stomach and feel your kicks. When he feels a kick, he jerks his whole body about this way and that, in the way that he imagines you are moving your body inside of me. I don't know how your birth will play out yet, but if everything goes smoothly and according to plan, Everett is looking forward to helping cut your umbilical cord!! He tells me that babies are a lot of work, but that he's ready to help! Only just a few minutes ago, Laurel, who is 2.5, ran up to me, putting her hands on my stomach, and kissing my stomach, exclaiming "I kissed the baby!"
As for me, I had a dream the other night about your birth, and the most vivid moment from it is the pure happiness and joy your dad and I felt when we looked on your face the first time! Know this, little baby, if you know nothing else: you were planned for, anticipated, and loved, from the very moment of your inception. We have been waiting and preparing for your arrival and we CANNOT wait to meet you! Until then, we'll continue dreaming about you and I'll write again soon <3
_________________________________________________
How far along? 29 weeks tomorrow!
Total weight gain: I currently weigh 158.6 and started out around 135. I've gained 25 pounds so far...
Baby’s size/development this week: 15.5 inches and 2.5 pounds!!
Maternity clothes: Mostly non-maternity sweats and maternity shirts. I hate maternity pants with a passion. I do have a pair of really comfy maternity leggings that have gotten me through the last two pregnancies.
Miss anything? Hot yoga and race training!! Popping out of bed like it ain't no thing.
Food cravings: Just whatever giant dessert you want to put in front of me!! Also, I have been really into PB+Js lately.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope!
Sleep: I just want to sleep moooooore! I have been napping every afternoon.
Best moment of the week: Laurel falling asleep in my arms on the playroom sofa and napping together.
Nursery: Yeah right!
Weddings rings on or off? ......on....? Which apparently is better than last time!?
Belly Button: Still in. It's a deep cavernous hole.
Movement? This baby likes to move!
Labor signs? Not so far. Let's keep it that way!
Weird pregnancy thing of the week:
Daddy is feeling: Hungry! (I emailed him and asked him to respond to the prompt and that's all I got!)
Mommy is feeling: Tired but good! I have a sinus infection that I wish would go away, but other than than I'm good.
Workouts this week:
Monday: 20 minute Prenatal morning yoga workout
Tuesday: Aqua aerobics at gym
Wednesday: Prenatal yoga at studio
Thursday: 20 minutes prenatal strength workout
Friday: 20 minutes morning yoga + 30 minutes on elliptical
Books I'm Reading/Media I'm Ingesting:
BOOKS:
Endure: Mind, Body, and the Curiously Elastic Limits of Human Performance
Patanjali's Yoga
PODCAST:
Outside Podcast
Looking forward to: Not having any plans this weekend!
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